I finished “The Vow Pt. 3″… finally.

Praises to the Most High Creator, since I thought I’d never get that thing completed.

I’m quite pleased with how it turned out. I’m back to a place where I enjoy reading my writing, and I’m thankful for that. I think every writer should be able to fall into their own worlds and just enjoy living there for a while with the characters they’ve uncovered.

It pains me to hear writers say they hate reading their own work.

Anyway, when it comes to “The Vow Pt. 3”, I didn’t want to face Luke. Not because I didn’t think I wouldn’t beat him (and viciously, I might add)… it was because I knew what that “battle” really represented. And once it was over, there was no going back.

A floodgate of writing would be opened, and their story would be reconciled.

Along with my own demons. No matter how long it takes.

I won’t go into all of the details of my love/hate relationship with “Goddess of Flames” (I’m putting up a vlog that better explains), but I will say this: the message that I was trying to get across got SUPER LOST, and I was embarrassed. Ashamed. I felt like I’d let the darkness beat me. So, I ran from my calling.

I made a mistake in not facing my shame, guilt, and confusion years ago. I shouldn’t have run from what I needed to do.

So instead, I attempted to trash the story and forget it ever existed.

How could I throw away my first real “creation”? This may sound dramatic, but creatively (and spiritually) it felt like I was tossing out my first “child”.

Every time I write, I feel a little closer to the Most High Creator… and I wonder about that battle in Heaven… how did the Most High really feel about so many of His (Its?) Creations being tossed out? Separated from the Creator who made them?

I should stop now… I feel like I’m treading on holy ground, only I haven’t taken my shoes off.

Anyway, I’ve realized that in running from this story, my calling as a novelist, and my love of writing I was also running from a lot of past pain and heartbreak I’d been pretending didn’t bother me.

My confusion over my career, my dad’s death, my son’s father, my failed first attempt at being an entrepreneur and having to release my authors, gaining a second “baby daddy” (coming from two-parent home, it hurts my pride I’ll admit), having to sell my house and move back to my childhood home… even losing my best friend of 38 years. None of it was faced; I just buried it and “kept it moving” like I always do. That’s life, right? C’est la vie… We live, we love, we lose, we learn… that’s always been my mantra. I believed past pain could never break me as long as I locked it away somewhere safe. It would just disappear eventually.

But that’s not true. It never was, and that’s the truth I’m finally having to face through my writing.

In reality, this pain has been decaying within me… destroying me from the inside while I just allowed it.

And that’s definitely not me. It’s never been me. And eventually, over the course of about a decade, I began to feel like a stranger to my own self.

Consequently, I went to the Master… my Mashiach. He led me back to the Most High Creator through the Truth… and reminded me that a long time ago I said I wouldn’t be afraid to be the one to “get my hands dirty” by peering into the darkness that everyone else dances around.

You know why I wasn’t afraid? Because I knew the Master – or the Most High – wouldn’t let me fall into the darkness. That the Light was powerful enough to protect me and keep me grounded.

So, when the darkness kind of got one over on me (through pride and ego, I’ll admit), I felt very ashamed… like I’d let the Master and the Most High Creator down. And the Great Humbling began… and it felt like my life was going over the edge. I was lost on every forefront.

Long story short (too late!), I eventually realized that no matter how far we fall down, we have to be ready to stand up eventually. Because the Most High Creator “got us”.

And “Goddess of Flames” is now a story of redemption. Not just Luke and Naya’s redemption, but also mine.

I’m finally ready to face it (me), let the Most High Creator fix it (me), and nurture it (me).

And it feels so good. So right. Like I finally know me again.

Until next time.

Praises to the Most High.

Currently Listening To: “Over the Edge” – Akon